Offering hope and illumination, the bone-raw story of a father’s failure to bond with his infant twin daughters, and his journey through paternal depression—an often undiagnosed condition that affects millions of new fathers.

After a traumatic birth nearly claimed his wife’s life, anesthesiologist and intensive care physician Christopher Choukalas should have felt grateful. His twin daughters were healthy, his wife had survived, and they had started a family. But instead of joy, Choukalas found himself spiraling—spending long evenings in the garage, unable to face the chaos and emotional strain inside his home. Caught between caring for his wife, deciphering the needs of his newborns, and confronting painful childhood memories, his world began to unravel.

Despite clear signs—racing thoughts, anxiety, sleeplessness, panic attacks, and emotional distance from his children—Choukalas failed to recognize he was suffering from a serious condition. Like many men, he internalized his pain, hoping it was just the “baby blues” and would fade with time.

His turning point came when his wife, exhausted with his behavior and “checked-outness,” urged him to seek help. Even though he’s a doctor, he had missed the fact that he ticked off every symptom of paternal depression. Through intensive therapy, medication, and the support of a fathers’ group, Choukalas began to understand his need for control and the lingering hurt from his own father’s absence. Slowly, he rebuilt his connection with his wife and children and found healing.

Even the Darkest Night, Choukalas’s powerful memoir, sheds light on the hidden struggles of fatherhood. With raw honesty and emotional insight, it challenges the silence and stigma surrounding men’s mental health, especially in the early years of parenting. A much-needed voice and new understanding for fathers navigating love, identity, and healing in the shadows of expectation.

Praise

“We don’t have all the answers when it comes to men’s mental health. But we do know it starts with honest conversations. Christopher Choukalas brings paternal depression into the light with courage and vulnerability. This book will help countless men feel seen, understood, and less alone in their struggles.”
– Jon Gustin, author of The Tired Dad

“This authentic and insightful story offers compassion and hope to fathers and their loved ones.  Dr. Choukalas’s journey provides reassurance that help is available and healing is possible!”
–Jonathan Scarff, MD Psychiatrist, Lexington VA Health Care System Lexington, Kentucky

“This is a gripping, beautifully written story of one father's journey through deep depression and recovery that will help many new parents. After the harrowing, medically complex birth of his twin girls, Christopher Choukalas became overwhelmed by anxiety, irritability, and self-doubt. Learning about post-natal paternal depression gave him a name for these feelings, and working with a therapist helped him slowly get back on course and start to repair his relationships with his wife and daughters. This honest, searching account of his journey will resonate with other fathers who are struggling with new parenthood.”  
–Darby Saxbe, PhD, author of Dad Brain and professor of psychology at the University of Southern California

"A rare combination: a book that is both deeply personal and genuinely important. Dr. Choukalas shines a light on post-natal depression in men – a condition hiding in plain sight, suffered mostly in silence by millions of new fathers. His story is compelling, his writing is beautiful, and his courage in telling it is something I deeply admire."
– Robert Wachter, MD, Chair, Department of Medicine, UCSF, and author of the bestseller, A Giant Leap: How AI is Transforming Healthcare and What That Means for Our Future

"This book is long overdue, but I am so glad Dr. Choukalas was brave enough to write it. Brave because so many men will see themselves in his story, yet so many feel they aren't supposed to talk about it. This book will save lives."
– Jennifer Lincoln, MD, author of The Birth Book

“Paternal postpartum depression is a stigmatized and poorly recognized, but highly treatable condition. This brave and insightful book by a new father (who is also a physician) is a beautifully written personal account  that offers hope for dads that struggle at this critical time.”
– Donna E Stewart CM, MD, FRCPC, University Professor of Psychiatry and Obstetrics/Gynecology, University of Toronto